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1、ComplicitybyJulianBarnesOctober192009WhenIwasahiccuppingboymymotherwouldfetchthebackdokeypullmycollarawayfrommyneckslipthecoldmetaldownmyback.AtthetimeItookthistobeanmalmedical—maternal—procedure.OnlylaterdidIwonderifthe
2、curewkedmerelybycreatingadiversionwhetherperhapstherewassomemeclinicalexplanationwhetheronesensecoulddirectlyaffectanother.WhenIwasatwentyyearoldimpossiblyinlovewithamarriedwomanwhohadnonotionofmyattachmentdesireIdevelop
3、edaskinconditionwhosenameInolongerremember.MybodyturnedscarletfromwristtoanklefirstitchingbeyondthepowerofcalaminelotionthenlightlyflakingthenfullypeelinguntilIhadshedmyselflikesometransmutingreptile.Bitsofmefellintomysh
4、irttrousersintothebedclothesontothecarpet.Theonlypartsthatdidn’tburnpeelweremyfacemyhsfeetmygroin.Ididn’taskthedoctwhythiswasthecaseInevertoldthewomanofmylove.WhenIdivcedmydoctfriendBenhadmeshowhimmyhs.Iaskedifmodernmedi
5、cinewasgoingbacktopalmistryaswellastoleechesifsowhetherastrologymagismthetheyofhumscouldbefarbehind.HerepliedthathecouldtellfromthecolofmyhsfingertipsthatIwasdrinkingtoomuch.LaterwonderingifIhadbeendupedintocuttingdownIa
6、skedhimifhehadbeenjokingguessing.Heturnedmyhspalmuppermostnoddedinapprovalsaidthathewouldnowlookoutfunattachedfemalemedicswhomightnotfindmetoorepugnant.ThefirsttimeImetherwasatapartyofBen’sshehadbroughthermother.Haveyouw
7、atchedmothersdaughtersatpartiestogethertriedtowkoutwhoistakingcareofwhomThedaughtergivingMumabitofanoutingMumwatchingfthestofmenherdaughterattractsbothatthesametimeEvenifthey’replayingatbestfriendsthere’softenanextraflic
8、keroffmalityintherelationship.Disapprovaleithergoesunexpressedisexaggeratedwitharolloftheeyeatheatricalmouea“Shenevertakesanynoticeofmeanyway.”Wewerestingthereinatightcirclewithafourthpersonmymemyhasblankedout.Shewasoppo
9、sitemehermotherwasonmyleft.Iwastryingtobemyselfwhateverthatmightbeatthesametimetryingtomakethatselfacceptableifnotactuallypleasing.PleasingtohermotherthatisIwasn’tboldenoughtotrytopleaseherdirectly—atleastnotincompany.Ic
10、an’trememberwhatwetalkedaboutbutitseemedtobegoingO.K.perhapsthefgottenfourthhelped.WhatIdorememberwasthis:shehadherrightarmdownbyhersidewhenshecaughtmelookinginhergeneraldirectionsheinconspicuouslymadethesmokinggesture—y
11、ouknowthefirsttwofingersextendedslightlypartedtheotherfingersthethumbbentawayoutofsight.IthoughtAdoctwhosmokesthat’sagoodsign.WhiletheconversationcontinuedIgotoutmypacketofMarlboLightswithoutlooking—myactivitytoowasatwai
12、stlevel—extractedasinglecigarettereturnedthepacktomypockettookthecigarettebythefiltertippasseditaroundhermother’sbackfeltitbeingtakenfrommyfingers.NotingaslightpauseonherpartIwentbacktomypockettookoutabookofmatchesheldit
13、bythestrikingendfeltitbeingtakenfrommyfingerswatchedherlightupexhaleclosethebookofmatchesthenpassitbackbehindhermother.IreceiveditdelicatelybythesameendasIhadgivenitout.surfacewouldscrapeagainsttheasphalttearingskincosti
14、ngyoutherace.Thewoundwouldscabupyou’dhavetoadjustyourhpingtheknuckleofthefourthfingerintothedangerareainstead.Butthisneverproducedthesamevelocitysoyouquicklywentbacktotheusualthirdfingertechniqueoftenrippingoffthenewlyfm
15、edscab.Yourparentsneverwarnyouabouttherightthingsdotheyperhapstheycanwarnyouonlyabouttheimmediatelocalstuff.Theybagetheknuckleofyourrightdlefingerwarnagainstgettingitinfected.Theyexplainaboutthedentisthowthepainwillwearo
16、ffafterward.Theyteachyouthehighwaycode—atleastasitappliestojunipedestrians.MybrotherIwereonceabouttocrossaroadwhenourfatherputonafirmvoiceinstructedusto“pauseonthecurb.”Wewereattheagewhenaprimitiveunderstingoflanguageisi
17、ntersectedbyakindofgiddinessaboutitspossibilities.Welookedateachothershouted“Pawsonthecurb!”thensquatteddownwithourhsflatontheedgeoftheroadway.Ourfatherthoughtthiswasverysillynodoubthewasalreadycalculatinghowlongthejokew
18、ouldrun.Naturewarnedusourparentswarnedus.Weunderstoodaboutknucklescabbingtraffic.WelearnedtolookoutfloosecarpetonthestairsbecauseGrmahadoncenearlytakenatumblewhenoneofherbrassstairrodsremovedfannualpolishinghadn’tbeenrep
19、lacedproperly.Welearnedaboutthinicefrostbiteevilboyswhoputpebblessometimesevenrazbladesintosnowballs—thoughnoneofthesewarningswereeverjustifiedbyevents.Welearnedabouttlesthistleshowgrasswhichseemedsuchharmlessstuffcouldg
20、iveyouasuddenburnlikespaper.Wewerewarnedaboutknivesscisssthedangeroftheuntiedshoelace.Wewerewarnedaboutstrangemenwhomighttrytolureusintocarslriesthoughittookusyearstowkoutthat“strange”didnotmean“bizarre”“hunchbacked”“dri
21、bbling”“goitered”—howeverwedefinedstrangeness—butmerely“unknowntous.”Wewerewarnedaboutbadboyslaterbadgirls.AnembarrassedsciencemasterwarnedusagainstV.D.misleadinglyinfmingusthatitwascausedby“indiscriminatesexualintercour
22、se.”Wewerewarnedaboutgluttonyslothlettingdownourschoolaboutavaricegreedlettingdownourfamilyaboutenvywrathlettingdownourcountry.Wewereneverwarnedaboutheartbreak.Iusedthewd“complicity”abitago.Ilikethewd.Tomeitindicatesanun
23、spokenunderstingbetweentwopeopleakindofpresenseifyoulike.Thefirsthintthatyoumaybesuitedbefethenervoustrudgeryoffindingoutwhetheryou“sharethesameinterests”havethesamemetabolismaresexuallycompatiblebothwantchildrenhoweveri
24、tisthatweargueconsciouslyaboutourunconsciousdecisions.Laterlookingbackwewillfetishizecelebratethefirstdatethefirstkissthefirstholidaytogetherbutwhatreallycountsiswhathappenedbefethispublicsty:thatmomentmeofpulsethanoftho
25、ughtwhichgoesYesperhapsherYesperhapshim.ItriedtoexplainthistoBenafewdaysafterhisparty.Benisacrosswddoeradictionaryloverapedant.Hetoldmethat“complicity”meansasharedinvolvementinacrimeasinanefariousact.Itmeansplanningtodos
26、omethingbad.IprefertokeepthetermasIunderstit.Fmeitmeansplanningtodosomethinggood.SheIwerebothfreeadultscapableofmakingourowndecisions.nobodyplanstodoanythingbadatthatmomentdotheyWewenttoafilmtogether.Ihadasyetnoclearsens
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